Down The Rabbit Hole: Online Dating, Take 2

Most of my life I’ve been an extremely patient person; a fact that I attribute to my tendency to think of others before myself. It never seemed out of the ordinary or strange for me to bide my time, sit back and wait, allow others to take the lead, etc. Patience has allowed me to excel in areas where other people seem to have difficulty. For example, I worked in customer service for many years and actually liked loved getting irate, difficult and sometimes irrational callers. The “phone balls” people seemed to grow when communicating with me were huge in size causing people to scream, call me names and otherwise try to rattle me in ways I’m certain they wouldn’t if they were actually standing before all 6 feet of me. In every uncomfortable work-based phone encounter I’ve patiently allowed people to berate me for minutes on end before killing them with kindness and tact. I’ve even been called a “pig-fucker” by some ridiculous customer 11 times  once during a 35 minute call and I patiently waited for her to stop yelling. Despite my history of saint-like patience I am finding that when it comes to the online dating process I simply have none.

Yeah, I’m basically this guy now.

Granted, I paid way too much for my laptop to be using it as some sort of “patience swatter” but I feel dude above’s frustration. I go into every thing I pursue with a positive outlook but in the realm of OKC a positive outlook apparently does not equal a positive outcome. After my first full week on the site, I had managed to get 147 messages. From ones that bored me to death, slightly insulted me and just plain assaulted the English language I was just flat out unimpressed.



Here are a few examples:


Desperate For A Response Guy:



No one likes to be rejected and initially I kinda felt obligated to answer most of the messages I got from people who weren’t complete fucktards and just so we’re clear:




In this case however, I simply wasn’t attracted to the guy. I figured why waste his time by being polite enough to speak when in doing so I would inevitably either be setting him up to be rejected eventually or ignored in the end. Best to ignore him now!




He’s really got a hang up about being horrible looking, eh? I doubt he would much appreciate an honest answer from me. (Remember this guy because I’ll be referring to him later.) While I found him not to be ” too horrible looking” for me, I simply, well, couldn’t picture him on top of me. I wonder what his response would have been had I said that. The world will never know.


Short Guy Wanting To Experience Tall Chic




Ah, take a gander at the not-so-rare species the Challengus Verticus better known as the short guy wanting to experience a tall chic. I assumed immediately from his message that he’s never been with a “real, tall woman” like me and I was certain he wouldn’t get his first crack at a tall glass of milk by sipping from my glass. I also noticed from his profile information that he was 5 foot 5, definitely too short for my liking and honestly I kinda felt bad.

Shorter men seem to get offended in person when I decline their advances so I imagine it would be no different online. I suddenly am required by default of having rejected them to explain why or am questioned to death about it or just straight up called shallow. Shallow, though? I’m shallow for being completely upfront and honest about the fact that I don’t like being with a man shorter than I? They then often try to tell me I should try it some time, assuming incorrectly that I haven’t. But it’s none of their business that I had children with a man shorter than I and spent 9 years with him. I have tried it. I haven’t liked it and it irks me that people act as if I owe them an explanation. You can’t Sam I Am me into tasting your green eggs and ham, sir! Wait-  ugh, that sounds sooooo- eh, forget it. But my point is that I cannot be “guilted” into dating you because you’re upset that your genes caused you to grow well below an acceptable height level for me. Sorry, not sorry.


You most certainly cannot!!!


The Guy You Get Along With Initially That Turns Out To Be Even Freakier Than a Freak Can Handle


So after several messages that either amused me or offended me, it was refreshing to come across a tall (sorry again vertically challenged Y chromosomes but tall is a HUGE turn on), respectful, interesting man. We sent messages back and forth over the span of a few hours and right when I was going to suggest exchanging numbers this happened:


UMMMMMMMM….. That’s waaaaaaay too much for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Confession time! I was a PSO (Phone Sex Operator) for many years and have heard everything one could possibly hear, including men into K9/Bestiality. Hearing about that when it was part of my job was cringe-worthy enough. Actually encountering a man who has shown interest in me being into that was straight up unnerving! I mean, I LOVE dogs, I really do but have never wanted one to “mount” me. I’ve never looked at Scooby Doo with eyes full of lust and wanting! I’ve never wondered what Snoopy was packing or if the rottweiler across the street could send me to orgasmic heights! I don’t have enough WTF’s to cover how I felt upon receiving this message. Sick, scary shit, man. Sick, scary shit!


Scary shit, man!
Just bend over and let that pit bull mount ya!


I do want to add that I’m glad that this guy was upfront about his kinkiness for it would have been truly disastrous for us to have started dating seriously before he made me aware of his fondness for women who are literally into “doggy style”. Way to find the positive in a rather negative situation, huh? Le sigh.


Can’t Take A Hint Guy

Remember this guy?

Oh, come on! You’d recognize that red face anywhere!

As it turns out we have a repeat offender; proof that annoying men on online dating sites can be annoying on more than just one level. Even with a new profile picture, Can’t Take  A Hint Guy is also Desperate For A Response Guy. I continuously ignored this dude yet he still kept messaging me. So finally I decided to say something.




Apparently, I made a mistake by responding. I wasn’t trying to encourage more messages. But he can’t take a hint. I wasn’t complimenting his persistence but hey, text has no tone.




After reading over my profile where I clearly state my height preference,  this dude is apparently dismayed that he’s too short for me. Oh. Em. Gee. Mr. Repeat Offender has now turned into Short Guy Wanting To Experience Tall Chic, making him a “three-peat” offender. This guy’s win-ning! I knew I had to take action.




Wow, being a kind mean person worked! No messages from this dude since.


I have finished him!
I have finished him!


The annoyances are inevitable it seems so I decided to expand my online dating adventure to other sites. I’ll be writing more about that shortly. And of yeah, I’ve decided to do more than just three posts on my adventures in online dating because well, there’s just too much to cover. Stay tuned for more about my experiences on OK Cupid and Plenty Of Fish. Things definitely get even more interesting. Since its Wednesday I wanted to sign off with some Wu Tang in celebration of Wu tang Wednesday. Suuuuuu!



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